I’m starting a meditation class tonight. I believe it will give me the opportunity to sit. Simply sit. No computer or iPad or iPhone. No dinner to make. No phone ringing. No other activity going on around me. What I hope it will also do is help me to find clarity about my direction.
My entire life has been calibrated around my mother. From choosing a university closer to home to this last year of organizing virtually my entire schedule around her medical needs, she has been Magnetic North. The dial always pointed in her direction. Part of my sense of disorientation this last month, aside from the obvious shock (yes, even if you anticipate someone’s death, the reality of it is surprisingly shocking), is the sense of loss of direction.
I mentioned to a friend the other day that I have been feeling out of place. Being at the house in Napa feels strange. Yet coming home to SF feels equally mystifying. What is home? I feel ungrounded. I’ve lost my Magnetic North and I need to reset, recalibrate. It’s time to find my personal True North.
So rather than simply charging ahead in some direction, any direction, I am going to sit. I am not going anywhere. I will see what pulls me, and why. This is completely the antithesis of my nature and predisposition to plan, look ahead, set a course and follow it.
But like a ship lost at sea, you first have to determine where you are before you can set a course toward safety. Starting tonight, I hope to start understanding where I am.